Pride Starts with Punk

At the beginning of the year, my alternative therapy came in the form of music, specifically the hardcore punk scene. This year, I have been to more shows than I ever have. And, it has helped put me in a place where I can finally just be myself. I’ve always been fairly true to myself, but there were a number of years when I was truly lost as an individual, merely adapting to my surroundings and the people involved in them. I changed into a version of myself that I truly did not recognize.

Yes, I was queer. And, I was being validated. But, the cost was slowly losing who I was, and adapting to this constructed mainstream, corporate, pop idea of what a gay man is. And I had many not-so-sober nights where those identities would clash, and overlap trying to fight for control. Because, while I was living a truth of myself, I was trying to shape myself into a person that I was not. The version of myself that I had constructed to fit a mold that didn’t allow for the love of all things, ‘weird’ and ‘ugly'. It didn’t allow for the abrasive attitude that is the many scenes I’ve come to love, and truly hold close.

Once I had enough distance and time away, the slow crawling deconstruction of my identity began without me even realizing it. I found that the more time I spent away, and to myself, the more time I had to truly re-introduce myself to, well, basically myself. I say slow crawl, because it literally took a few years of isolation, meeting different people, a relationship, more isolation, a suicide attempt and therapy to just get me to the point of picking up the pieces. It never ceases to amaze me the amount of walls you have to break through, that you put there yourself, in order to start just at the beginning.

It took years of a slow assault to my own identity, to break and shatter what I thought was me. Enter, music. When I began going to shows, it was a local and free show that got the ball rolling. The atmosphere was intense, being with the crowd; moshing, headbanging, circling, and being swept in comradery. It was as if I was sparkling the amassed kindling I had developed over time, that soon became a well raging inferno.

Behemoth, May 15th 2022, Hollywood Palladium

I began to seek out, not just local shows, though local shows are where I found most of my support. I sought out shows from my beloved metal, to the hardcore bands that I would hear my younger brother blast in our teen years. Each show I attended, each band I saw and had the pleasure to talk to, the people I communed with, every experience began to truly add the cement to what I was rebuilding. I had found a community of people that knew and embraced what it meant to be the outcasts of the outcasts. The ‘others,’ the very fire of the communities that often tend to look the other way.

Dagger Polyester, June 4th 2022, Transplants Brewery

To the outside, the clash of bodies, sweat, and blood circling one another to the ritualistic cacophony of metallic and wood instruments is seemingly barbaric. But what you don’t see, or experience, is each person’s reason for being there. Some are there to escape, others are there to commune in the praise of their favorite band, and mostly it is for the fun of it. But for me, it is the aggressive act of human connection. Emotions ranging from fear, anger, excitement, and joy. Or, all of those at once. It is the one place I can find solace; where every emotion I have can be worked through participating in this act of bonding. And, it’s fucking fun.

La Pobreska, May 20th 2022, Transplants Brewery

Arriving into Pride month, I had the pleasure of seeing some queer bands perform. And the synchronicity of all that has come to pass, my journey, and my adventures culminating into a moment of re-validation. It was a baptism by fire. And I had made it. For once, there was a breath of arrival. That I had fought and lived through some of my darkest lows, was now almost a blip in the past. All the time I had alone, engaging in these acts, truly fighting with myself to gain control of who I am. It all truly helped. I was already a fairly independent person from a young age, but even as an adult; when we think we truly have it figured out, you’re never too late for a complete collapse of self-identity. And sometimes, you just need that validation that you truly are where you are supposed to be.

Blog